So as is the case with so many blogs, I guess it’s best to explain the ‘why’ of it all. The reasoning behind the lifestyle change that has lead me to such a point of self belittlement (yes, the above title was written by me… for me. You’ll understand soon).
First, let’s just look at pre-2016 Alex for a moment. Personality-wise, this previous version of myself was pretty awesome
I’m not going to lie, I liked myself. Well, I liked certain parts of myself.
I was funny. Witty. Fairly intelligent. I made friends easily and I was loyal to them.
I was artistic; I liked to make things, I liked to learn how to make things. I enjoyed video games, comic books and movies. I had an odd, eclectic taste in music. I loved theatre.
I was also diagnosed with a condition called ‘Dystonia’… but we’ll get to that at a later date.
So all in all, pre-2016 Alex wasn’t the worst. And she didn’t dwell in self-hatred or push people away… which was a good thing because beneath all that awesomeness, she wasn’t really a fan of her physical self.
Yup, you guessed it. Pre-2016 was completely in denial about her weight and overall lack of fitness.
Now I can’t really say to you when this became and issue. Well no, maybe I can. And maybe we’ll explore this further down the line too.
Over time, my size definitely became an issue. More so because it really began to affect what clothing I could wear or, rather, what I felt comfortable in. I refused to look for clothing in stores dedicated to ‘the larger lady’ (WHY is Evans ALWAYS next to a Millie’s Cookies?) and so I ended up just living in baggy jeans and oversized t-shirts.
And that was fine in my late teens, into my early twenties. I could cope with it. But it was around that time that I also came to terms with the fact that I was a ‘big ol’ gay’ to boot. And as I started to awaken to the idea of dating and love, I also became more self-conscious of my appearance. And that’s when the sporadic exercise and fad diets kicked in. And none of that seemed to work.
There’ll no doubt be an entry further along about my dating past and the part that self-consciousness plays in ‘choosing a partner’. But another time, reader. Another time.
My weight soon began to rule a lot of my life choices. Where I applied for work (heaven forbid I’d have to dress ‘smart’) or if I decided to go out with friends… without me knowing it, my size was 100% dictating my life.
So cut to January 2016. Because if I don’t, I’m going to be going on FOREVER and those are things that can be better investigated in future posts. After all, this is just an introduction.
In January 2016 I was hit by a rather large and unexpected wake up call and in that moment, I decided it to be make or break.
And I chose the former.
I realised that I was just not happy with how my size and lack of health was owning me and I wanted to change. And with the help of my Spirit Animal, Holly, I made the steps toward the goals in life I knew I had to achieve.
- I needed to lose weight.
- I needed to get fit.
- I needed to love the body I was in.
Reader, I’m going to do something now that I would never have dreamed of before. Even a few weeks ago, I’d have been terrified by the thought.
I’m going to tell you all my start weight.
And the reason I need to do this is because I will never be that weight again. I outright refuse to be.
My weight has always been the deepest of my secrets. It took me over two and a half years to admit to it in a loving relationship… and that itself was still a struggle.
As of January 17th 2016, I weighed 15 stone exactly. The most I have ever weighed.
Ask a thin person how much they think I weigh and they come up with completely unrealistic figures. Always too low. And that’s because, to them, my actual weight seems absurdly large. 15 stone is surely on the level of pre-diet Dawn French or Augustus Gloop… and they may not be far off. But the thing is that I’m tall. Well, taller than them. At 5′ 7″, I’m an average height. But the recommended weight for that height should be around 10 stone. Or, as I like to refer to it, my goal weight.
So when this bombshell of realisation finally hit home, I was ready to both understand and embrace all I disliked about myself and to abolish it. And that’s what I’m doing. In a way, that’s also the point of this blog. Not only to openly track my journey but also to understand the ‘why’s’ that both got me to 15 stone and kept me there.
Oh, and just so you know, it’s been a full week since that weigh in and I’ve already lost half a stone.
But again, we’ll look into that later.